Mentors That Fail You... and Why That's OK

Full disclosure.  I am by nature an introvert so it is not in my style to actively seek out mentors.  Having worked for financial services firms for the majority of my adult life, I have lucked into some pretty positive relationships in the form of mentors.

I defined these individuals as mentors because they were people I admired, who had been successful in their careers and their appreciation for my work was very seductive.  I felt  special.  Totally flattering to have your heroes compliment you and want to help you be more successful.  Until they fail you.

One of my recent former mentors embodied what I considered to be truly successful.  She was smart and funny, down-to-earth and spoke her mind.  She was firm without ever having to resort  to what  I consider to be the ultimate weakness for a woman- being the "bitch".   She helped me get promoted with promises of continued support.  She would always say that we would get together to "have a drink" the next time she was in town. Months would go buy and I would not hear from her.   Then I learned that she had been in my town for weeks if not months working on a project.  She never tried to contact me.  Huh? I didn't get it.  Did I do something?  Did I not do something?  What happened to the hero that literally said she loved me?     A small voice in the back of my mind whispered doubts about her sincerity.  But still, I continued to seek out her advice as she said she would provide until the response times got longer and longer.  This mentor's career grew at an accelerated pace and I sent her effusive notes of congratulation with each milestone because I truly meant it.

Then a golden opportunity for us to connect came.  She would be in my  town, we would be in the same meeting and she said she could not wait to see me.  Granted it was a very large meeting with lots of attendees but I had seen her at a distance earlier in the day and noted that she had on a bright yellow jacket.  Surely I would find her in the crowd.  I made the usual rounds to the groups of three or four people standing around and chatting.  I scanned the crowd the entire time.  Friends asked me if I knew she was here and I said yes of course.  After about 45 minutes, I realized in the din of small talk that she was not looking for me, that she was not eagerly seeking me out as I was her.  It was then that I let her go as a mentor, as a friend and completely without bitterness.  She helped me in so many ways and what I failed to realize was that I was able to be successful without her.  My career continued to grow- even without her support. 

Some mentors can be so for life.  Others are stepping stones along the path that you define for yourself.  Never let one keep you from your journey.   All you have to do is look back and see how far you have come already.   The fact that there is not someone there to prop you up is a good because it makes you realize that you have the strength to get to where you need to be all  on your own.